I finally reached that stage. The stage when I felt that enough was enough, I needed to drop all formality, especially with close friends. Pat comes the harsh reality - too late! They've not only got used to it, but they expect it.
In the past few months, I've learnt that half my burst outs and anger were for the sole reason that I was too formal to actually ask for the things I wanted or needed from loved ones around me. Sometimes (or many a time in my case), I just expected people to know and understand the unsaid.
Well, they obviously weren't mind readers - it all boiled within - ever so often - BOOM!
Don't get me wrong, my list of things never included the likes of materialistic gifts, but more of support, mostly only support of someone being there, someone just giving that extra helping hand and sometimes, just someone's sheer physical presence. Silly me thought these things don't have to be demanded outright!
So I went and took the leap. I demanded. I asked and I thought I would be granted. Well, I should have been! If I can listen to wants so direct at times, that my skin crawls back just that little bit! Well, not that extreme perhaps, but that familiar moment when a friend just says something so outright, that it goes down your system much much after you already said yes.
Yes, I also wanted to hear that yes. I expected the same reception that I give. Was I mistaken. It struck me then; put the formal and quiet and independent face on for too long and then you've lost the power to just, well, be more vocal with them.
It's like a dog you give food to whilst you're eating, wake up at 3am because he does 'chuun chuun' and give in to him chewing on that shoe. Well, he does really seem to like that pair! To tick him off one day is only going to fumble the crap out of him, quite literally in this case.
I am a formal person. I do have people in my life whom I ask for favours and do feel a little awkward asking them for it, no matter how close they are to me. I do, truly, appreciate it when they say yes, no matter how small the favour. However, everyone doesn't fit that bill, some are just Zimbabwean dollars!
Wonder if it's correct to question myself for asking, and accepting that perhaps its too late in the day. Or perhaps I am right and that there is a good reason dog training schools are prospering so much these days.
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Friday, August 20, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Help!
You could be a strong, no shit individual who thinks nothing can get to him. An important presentation due tomorrow and no work on it? Angry boss for the unexpected leave you took? Parents found you drunk, or worse still, with a stash of hash? Your response to things like these could be, ah well, life goes on! We'll take it as it comes.
Whether you're one of them or someone like me, who does, well, give a shit, there are always those moments when you want to scream from the rooftop for help.
I've been there.
Even if I say so myself, I'm a tough cookie. However, after a rather nasty tiff with someone close to me, I was shattered. Crying for days, walking around aimlessly and sudden outbursts of anger where I could kill anyone who came my way. A friend heard my silent screams for help. She stood up for me and gave that man (ofcouse it was a man! Nothing else can knock a woman down except a man, simply being a man) a sounding which could make Gordon Ramsay proud.
In my short lifetime, that was one of the very very few moments when I definitely knew that someone's got my back. What made it even more special was that I never told her to do so and neither did she do it thinking she's helping me. It was just something she simply felt she had to do, seeing me in the state I was.
Moving on to greener pastures, the entire episode got sorted with time. However, the incident reconfirmed that I wasn't wrong, as I was told on occasions, for fighting for someone with all I had, not caring about my personal relationships for it.
But then, as they say, life goes on and you keep learning.
You can fight for someone with all your might, but where do you stand once it's all over? The problem is all sorted? Does the person you fought for care enough to make sure you're not alone in the dark? Unfortunately, not very often. And I learnt this the hard way. I've been big on loyalty all my life, running away from hypocrisy at the earliest signs of me showing it. Surrounded by hypocrites (and I don't mean this in a bad way), I always felt saddened by it. But at the end of the day, there is no point in standing up for someone who's not got his grounding right in the first place. Who might turn a new leaf tomorrow.
Don't get me wrong. I well believe in what feels right today, can feel wrong tomorrow. But my question is, what about the ones who fought for you when you were standing alone? What happens to them when you turn on your heel and foes become friends? Do you build the bridge over the crater created by you? Or do you, well, hope they sort it out by themselves? After all, you didn't 'really' ask them to fight for you!
Life goes on and I'm learning. But I'm just that tad extra cautious now.
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Whether you're one of them or someone like me, who does, well, give a shit, there are always those moments when you want to scream from the rooftop for help.
I've been there.
Even if I say so myself, I'm a tough cookie. However, after a rather nasty tiff with someone close to me, I was shattered. Crying for days, walking around aimlessly and sudden outbursts of anger where I could kill anyone who came my way. A friend heard my silent screams for help. She stood up for me and gave that man (ofcouse it was a man! Nothing else can knock a woman down except a man, simply being a man) a sounding which could make Gordon Ramsay proud.
In my short lifetime, that was one of the very very few moments when I definitely knew that someone's got my back. What made it even more special was that I never told her to do so and neither did she do it thinking she's helping me. It was just something she simply felt she had to do, seeing me in the state I was.
Moving on to greener pastures, the entire episode got sorted with time. However, the incident reconfirmed that I wasn't wrong, as I was told on occasions, for fighting for someone with all I had, not caring about my personal relationships for it.
But then, as they say, life goes on and you keep learning.
You can fight for someone with all your might, but where do you stand once it's all over? The problem is all sorted? Does the person you fought for care enough to make sure you're not alone in the dark? Unfortunately, not very often. And I learnt this the hard way. I've been big on loyalty all my life, running away from hypocrisy at the earliest signs of me showing it. Surrounded by hypocrites (and I don't mean this in a bad way), I always felt saddened by it. But at the end of the day, there is no point in standing up for someone who's not got his grounding right in the first place. Who might turn a new leaf tomorrow.
Don't get me wrong. I well believe in what feels right today, can feel wrong tomorrow. But my question is, what about the ones who fought for you when you were standing alone? What happens to them when you turn on your heel and foes become friends? Do you build the bridge over the crater created by you? Or do you, well, hope they sort it out by themselves? After all, you didn't 'really' ask them to fight for you!
Life goes on and I'm learning. But I'm just that tad extra cautious now.
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Tuesday, August 10, 2010
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